Love Hate

Love Hate

So I thought I'd write about all kinds of things that I love and all kinds of things that I hate. (Apart from Liverpool).

Firstly I hate hipsters; ironic because I have a blog and even worse because it is now ironic. Jesus...
Here is what I'm talking about:

These guys are wankers. Smug, arrogant, douche bags that like things that are dumb or lame because it's ironic, hate things that are cool and fun because "it's too mainstream" and love things which are retarded or weird; and why?
Well most of us won't ever understand because "it's beyond us" and we aren't cool enough to get it.

Hipsters like to think they are the bees knees by being on the cusp music and fashion. Loving a band until their first LP comes out by which time the band has apparently sold out and gone mainstream already.

I hate hipsters because they try so hard to be cool (just the kind of people they dislike), by ignoring social convention to look like they don't care. This just gets themselves into a cycle of mediocre indie rock and scraggly hair cuts.

The worst part about these tight tee'd skinny arseholes is that they take themselves too seriously and don't realise they are a big joke.

What a piece of shit

Linking onto hipsters is the hashtag phenomenon which began it's life on the hipster haven that is twitter. Or used to be before it became too mainstream and Instagram was born.

I don't really have a problem with hashtag-ing on twitter, it sounds pretty stupid but it does serve a purpose. However it has now spread to other sites such as Facebook and Youtube.

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. Don't put hashtags on your status. It's not cool, it makes you look like a fucking loser. People that do this should be ashamed to draw breath and take away air from far more deserving human beings... and animals. 

This thing deserves life more than Facebook hashtaggers

 Dish washing

Washing dishes eurgh... I don't now why I hate this so much, but I just do.
It is horrible. A perfect way to spoil a lovely meal:

"mmhhmmm what a delicious potato dauphinoise. Now time to sit back and rela-"
   

"dirty pots and pans"

*does washing up*

"okay now I can relax..."

"I have a plate to wash up"

Just too much horrible-ness.

Anybody that has seen a proper Japanese or Korean horror film will agree with me on this next one.

Little Girl Ghosts
They scare the shit out of me, more so than local pubs. Frightening as fuck.

I would put up a picture, showing a prime example but I scared myself too much looking for one so I'll show you what I look like when watching Girl ghost films. And a picture to cheer me up.

isn't that pleasant

 
It doesn't make sense that ghosts exist so I shouldn't be scared. But I am. They are just too scary, the horrifying black ratty hair in front of the face, the way they stand in the middle of the corridor blocking your path, always clutching some creepy toy and worst of all photo bombing your favourite pictures.

 

Even this took some courage to find and upload

Another thing I hate is Lil Wayne's lyrics. Not so much him but his lyrics:

"I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed"  (is that a good thing to be?)

"My biceps and triceps is ass"  (what does that mean?)

“I’m beneficial/I’ve been official/I say you rappers sweet, tiramissile.”  (making up a word so his lines rhyme)

"I’m a diamond in the rough like a baby in the trash”  (again is that a good thing)

“Pussy good as baby powder…”   (In my experience those two aren't very similar)

Last on my list of hate are daddy long legs.

This little fuckers don't really scare me they just annoy me. A lot.
They have no control over their flight, flapping their legs about as they drift all over your room going near enough to you, so that you have to be ready to swat it away but turning away at the last minute.

Then they die on your floor. Cheers

I don't go into their nest and flap my limbs about being annoying. So stay out of my house.
Actually that point stands for all insects I don't go into your nest so stay out of mine, also I don't tread on your food so leave mine alone.

Shitey shite bags that are shite all the time

Now all the things I do like, which can be summed up in two words Cudi and food.

KiD CuDi is the mother truckin dude. The shit. The man. The dawg. The messiah. This guy makes the best music I have ever heard. Nothing compares. Nothing. If you have not heard his music you need to go to Youtube straight away and do some serious research. This man's music is powerful. He is a genius.
Get it?

face of a genius

I have never heard a bad kid cudi song except for when a beautifully crafted song is chewed up and turned into a dance remix. Kid cudi's music is the closest I have come to being turned on by music.

A guy had a near death experience and saw Mr K.I.D in his vision (youtube Ben Breedlove). So Kid Cudi must be good.  

He doesn't make songs about money cars and bitches unlike a certain Wayne. He does his own thing, makes his own beats and creates everything you hear in the song.
I wish he would tour in the UK :'(

Food

I love it. Food is just lovely.
Creme eggs are like a currency to me.
Pistachios are so delicious and dangerously so when salted.
Noodles. Burritos. Fajitas. Stir fry. Curry. Pies. Burgers. Pasta. Anything that came from a tagine. Fruits. Prawns. ehiewnfwnfnkdndc it's all so good.

Sushi is glorious and when done right is possibly one the most masterful types of food. And certainly not bland (you know who you are).

Water btw is very underrated.  I very much like water.


And it's so mainstream it's not mainstream anymore.

I Hate Liverpool

I Hate Liverpool FC

Liverpool are shit

I hate Liverpool and not because I support Man United (yeah I'm that guy).
I hate them for many reasonable reasons.

Firstly, they have no fucking ambition. None. It's as if the chairman sets targets like:

• Only purchase players of equal or lesser ability than our players 
• Maintain that all Merseyside derbies are still close matches
• Give Channel 5 some football to broadcast

Why does Liverpool buy 3 or 4 average players every transfer window costing a few million each, when they already have a squad full of ugly mediocre players. (BTW the best move they made this summer was sell Dirk Kuyt. The ugliest person I know of and a very average player, despite being hailed as king of the Liverpool strike force).

Transfers this summer:
Joe Allen he's alright
Borini he's alright
Assaidi he's who?

The one time the board gave their manager money to actually spend on players, he was too goddamn stupid to know how to spend it. Paying £35m for Carroll, Value.

Most of the players are either ugly, a racist, mediocre or a combination of all three. I hate them.

Carragher is old.
Skrtel is a thug.
Aurelio is a championship player.
Downing doesn't do anything.
Henderson is shite.
Charlie Adam is average.
Rodriguez is average.
Carroll is a donkey.

 

Liverpool however does have 3 good players.

Reina is a good keeper and not entirely hideous or racist. Good guy.

Gerrard is a powerhouse but he must be the most frustrated and depressed man to ever play the beautiful game. He has been at Liverpool for his whole career and had to carry the team for every one of those years. Dragging them to two FA cups, a handful of Carling mugs and a flukey Champions League trophy. While he watches the rest of his team deteriorate around him and manager after manager come and go, bringing average players with them.

Suarez is a good player. But a racist prick. 


To sum up I hate Liverpool because they are a team that keeps getting worse but the people in charge are too dumb to work out that in order to progress you need to acquire players better than you currently have.

Liverpool WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

North vs South

North vs South

So which is better all round, the North or the South? The south of course and I'll tell you why. First here's a map I found showing what I define as the north and south of England:

 

Except Lincoln, Northerners can have Lincoln

As we can see here the North starts when "a" is pronounced how it is actually spelt; HAHAHAH what a LUDICROUS idea. 
Scotland, by the way, is just snow.

If you couldn't tell, I'm southern through and through and proud of it. The most north I had been in the UK before university open days was Cardiff, and even that gave me a nose bleed. 
In my view the North is just rural wasteland with local pubs everywhere; except for a few settlements dotted around such as the portal to hell that is Hull

Local pubs for local people

My family isn't English so pubs were never a big thing for me growing up, so the idea of local pubs scares the shit out of me. 
The kind of place where even before you walk through the door, everyone inside can tell you aren't local from your footsteps. Then when you do enter the music cuts off, conversation stops, there's a clatter from everyone dropping their glasses and they all stare at you until you leave... Yeah the North is well friendly.

Terrifying

Why the South is better

Simple GCSE geography and a little research tells you that the North is less developed and the quality of life is lower than in the kingdoms of the South. 71 of the 100 worst wards in England are in the North despite having less than half the total population.
The economy in the North went down hill the moment the mines and steel works shut down. The industries powered by Northern ogre brutes 
Northerners often complain that the South is expensive, which it is, but it's the price you pay for a better life.
The more developed an area is the more expensive the living costs are, unless you live in Luanda, capital of Angola where you pay £32 for a hamburger. Real talk. 
Anyway if you want a cheap life move to Cambodia; where they dye silk with rusty nails.

Gravy

It's tasty, goes well with roasts and has a warming savoury nature. But Northerners love it a bit too much putting it on everything. Every meal.
It might explain why the life expectancy up north is only a few years high than the Albanian average while the South enjoys a lovely long 83 years.
And why the average bmi (a perfectly flawless means of calculating health...) is a massive 1 point higher the Southern average, even though you have to hike 3 days to the nearest corner shop.  HAHAHAHAH!!!111!!!11!1!1! Take that! 

"A good morning cuppa"

I know that people from the South aren't as friendly as our Northern counterparts, it's true. We sit on the train staring blankly or have our heads down, and it is actually a bit shocking when somebody does try to speak to you.
But this is because there are so many people down south, whats the point in making awkward small talk when you don't need to. The chances of running into somebody you have seen before are slim to nil. 
We don't make an effort because seeing another human isn't an occasion worth mentioning over the dinner table like it is in the North.

"I met somebody today"
"haha, I'm sure you did you little rascal"

My friend from way up near Scotland, tells me that his nearest friend is 20 minutes drive away, and that's on country 60mph roads. WTF
Twenty minutes by car to see the closest friend. Which I assume must be the nearest person to him, given how friendly he says the North is.

"I think that's our neighbour"
"Come lets go home, you're hallucinating"

One more thing

You know what really grinds my gears; when Southerners are called posh for pronouncing "a" in words as "are", eg. grass, laugh etc.
That's not being posh, that's being correct.
The official pronunciation of the English language in the UK is "are".
Cretins



Another Northerner told me that Yorkshire would be placed 10th in the Olympics if they entered alone, which is cool, that's cool.


But it is the LONDON olympics.



ps. Northerners are actually very nice from who i've meet, DW, SA, AD, GA
s'all love

Mentally Ill Part 2

Mentally Ill Part 2

Yet more things 

I don't usually agree that women talk too much; yeah they talk more than men, but we don't talk so that's understandable. However they sometimes have conversations about the most idiotic topics, "what colour is my shoe", and use hundreds of words when four or five will do just fine. 

Genuinely 2 girls I was living with had a conversation, not just an exchange of 2 sentences or even 2 words (which is all that it needed), but a whole conversation about what colour their shoes where... seriously.

They were pink, pink converse shoes. Very clearly pink. All it needed was
 

"what are colour are these"
"Pink"

Done.

Yet somehow the two of them found a way to exchange many sentences about what colour they were. I cannot imagine how. Sickness of the head.

They then had a discussion about the laces... of course.
And how they fit. I can understand this being a wide footed man and hearing many times the difficulties women have with finding things that fit.

Nothing fits

Why is it so hard for you girls to find garments that just fit you. My ex would pretty often regale stories of how hard it is to find things that fit and would often return things she just bought. 

I have no sympathy though, you have yourselves to blame since you buy all the ill fitting crap in the first place and create a demand for it. 

"Haha Nothing fits"
-"I know right!"
-"such a Bargain though"

Women will spend half an hour in a shop trying things on and then leave empty handed. Men on the other hand:
Item required
Item found
Item acquired 

Leave. 5mins
The music playing in the background is still on the same song by the time we leave.

All this is made possible because firstly we don't care all that much about what we wear. 

Secondly the man fit test, you hold it up to yourself, does it fit? yes or no, move along. 

Close enough lets go

Thirdly the market caters; if shops were full of clothes that didn't fit, do you know what would happen? We would all not bother spending hours in 5 different shops finding the perfect fit of a shirt and just wear whatever cloth we could find. 

Another thing. Why do women buy clothes that aren't comfortable? because it looks good? Men don't care, so blame yourselves again.
All girls have their comfortable outfit and their "presentable for going out" outfits. 

Men have... clothes. That's right, we wear whatever for any occasion. All our clothes fit fine and are comfortable because if they weren't we wouldn't buy them.

Even though women have real problems with clothes fitting they still share clothes with their friends. Huh

I have never shared an item of clothing with any of my male friends. 

What is this? 

Is the wardrobe full of unworn still tagged items not enough for you? 

Nothing fits, so why share?

Mentally ill.

One more thing about clothes 

Do women ever take a step back and actually look at the clothes they consider buying. Some of the stuff they consider are just flimsey fucking rags that cost £30. Thirty Pounds for a rag.

And why the hell are these types of garment available:

 Look at the centre ones, it's a bunch of strings.

Hmmm.

Why do people buy these?

 

This next bit i don't know how to introduce so i'll keep it short and sweet. I was joking around with a friend:

Me: "oooohhh hooooo all the boys fancy you, soooo sexy"

Girl: "no shut up"

Me: "okay you're ugly and nobody likes you?"

Girl: "mmmurhhh"

Me: "you are normal and average?"

Girl: "shut up"     Mental illness

Something else 

I realised a long time ago how men bond, we insult eachother but don't mean it.
It's called a joke. It's funny. Humour is the basis of human relationships. 
Women however, bond by lying to eachother. I'm pretty sure lying to somebody doesn't build a relationship, illogical, Mentally ill.
And they really over do it, it makes me feel sick.
I saw this on facebook

"wow you looked great that night"
"No you looked great, better than me. so hot"
"haha we are both amazing love you bby gal xoxox"
"I love your hair"
"I loved your eyebrows"
"sexy philtrum"                                   might be a bit made up

Stop lying, you sound ridiculous.

And another something

Why are girls so cold. ALWAYS
A mentally ill friend of mine came in from uni on a sunny 28C day wearing a Big black over coat, black top, scarf and high heel boots.
Moron

 Animals at the zoo

I once made the mistake of going to river island on one of my 5 minunte shopping trips during a sale.
Oh dear god
During the sales, the women's section turns into a battle pit, they barge past eachother steal clothes from eachother. Everything is on the floor. Mayhem.
The queue for the till was beyond the horizon and people ditch all social customs. I saw somebody looking nervous in a corner of the shop between two racks, she then started changing out on the shop floor... riiiight.

If you find a lovely lady that isn't mentally ill. She's a keeper


 

Ladies - Mentally Ill Part 1

Ladies - Mentally Ill Part 1

 

I'll jump straight in and say that I think 80% of girls are either mentally ill or display symptoms of mental illness. I say girls because most women above a certain age luckily to grow out of their sickness. 

I believe this is what most girls look like

Here's just a few things I'm talking about:

Girls are hugely over sensitive about pretty much everything and turn most things into DRAAAMAAAA. 

Whether it's just a bit of healthy banter, light hearted criticism or a normal social situation, girls will find some way to feel personally insulted and abused.

A beautiful example of this illness was while at an aquaintances birthday night out. Somebody had a little a fart. 

We're all human, it's normal, maybe not socially acceptable but hey, who cares... Another girl did, thats who. She broke down into tears 

"how could she do that at XXX's party, who does that!" Mental illness.

Now, I have a habit of upsetting a particular friend of mine almost every week...

(after talking about some of the weird things girls wear)

The girl: "Pink tie dye jeans, haha, it's so me to have something like that"

Me: chortle "lordy lord, tie dye pink jeans" (im thinking, "lol pink tie dye jeans how retarded nobody would have that")

*we both laugh about it*  

10 minutes later she comes out wearing pink fucking jeans 

Me: "hahahahahah, you actually have those" BIG MISTAKE

Another example only later that day:

After changing out of her delightful pink jeans and into normal blue jeans, she points out that

"hah we are wearing the same jeans" 

To be clear, she had light blue jeans that were tight and I had dark blue jeans that were not. In the world of jeans where 99% of jeans are blue except for the 1% pink, this could not be counted as "the same jeans". So of course i let know of this small error in judgement and of course BIG MISTAKE.  

But this was all nothing a good hug couldn't sort out. Hugs turn despair into massive love in a matter of seconds for girls. Which brings me nicely to...

Mood Swings

hooo damn you do not want to be in the room when one of these demons come around and definitely not be the subject of them. 

One minute life is great, you're thinking "Oh boy what a wonderful day, the sun is shining i have fajitas for dinner this is great. And I'm enjoying the company of my female friend" 

BOOM

"omg what just happened". A motherf****** mood swing bitch; your whole life feels like it's been hit by a hurricane and you better find somewhere to hunker down while the storm passes.

A pyroclastic flow of emotions

Next up Paranoia and worrying about what people think

Girls spend, I would accurately say 65% of their time (we spend 35% of our time asleep) worrying about what people think of them and paranoid that other mentally ill girls don't like them and talk about them behind their back. 

Enemies

Guys rarely have enemies or genuine rivals, but it seem like you girls have a whole host of people you do not like and do not like you. So many times I've heard:

"oh I can't go out with them one of the girls is a right bitch" 
"She was the biggest bitch at school we both know that we hate eachother but pretend to be civil and nice" (wtf... mentally ill)
"oh no this is gonna be awkward I don't like her"

"This girl is a bitch she did something mildly wrong once 4 years ago"

I don't get it. What? Why? Just be happy?

 Insecure

Also why so insecure? Girls have huge self image issues (i'll get on to that later) so feel the need to be constantly reassured and are always fishing for comments.

Posting pictures on Facebook like, "I look so fat urghh <3"

Whats the heart about? If you look so horrible why post it? Why tag yourself? But of course in comes upwards of three hundred comments:
 

"awhh babe <3 you look so SKINNY. ly <3"
"love you too, but no, YOU look skinny <3<3<3" 

"I love your hair"
"Great everything you're so fit"
"I hate you <3 so hot xxxx"
"I love your elbows"

I wish somebody would comment "yeah you look terrible, delete this picture"    

More about Facebook and photos. Whats up with all the posing, the duck lips, the mong head lean, the slut hair push up, the leg bend. Just smile, it looks nice.

Idiots

How lovely

In my opinion this is what is the most mentally ill about women, body image. Dear god they have it wrong. So first i'll show the difference between what women mean when they say curvy and what men mean.     

men - "mmhmm concave hip to waist ratio"

what women mean - convex

Curvy means small waist wider hips, simple. Girls just don't get this, all they see when they look at the photo on the left is a woman who isn't fat. 

"Therefore she must be thin, really thin. Men only like thin, I must now not eat anything" Wrong

There are some women that still look good DESPITE being too thin but that is BECAUSE they still have good HIP TO WAIST RATIO. 

They look good despite of, not because of being thin. 

Please fix your head ladies, fat isn't curvy. 

Models make men sick. 

You can have a nice shape even if you are thinner than normal you can have a nice shape if you are bigger than normal. 

Stop being mentally ill. 

kill it, kill it with fire

Next on the agenda is exam stress

Most girls get 4-5 times more stressed than guys during exams. Why? It doesn't help you. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Girls end up doing twice as much revision and score no better at the end. Great life. 

Another friend of mine was so stressed during exams you could actually see the stress in her. Not her behavoir her actual appearance, I had never seen this before, not pretty. 

She would take 2 minutes breaks when we forced her too then would say "I need to work BYE". Meanwhile I'm in the next room relaxing... chillin... flying a remote control helicopter, the important things in life. Cooking a stir fry.

With all my other MALE friends.

   

Endurance Events - The Crapper Half Of The Olympics

Endurance Events - The Crapper Half Of The Olympics

So I had a conversation with a friend of mine, I use the term friend very loosely, and it sparked a debate (which I won) about whether endurance events at the olympics are as good as the other non-endurance events. We're talking sprinting, team games, gymnastics, track cycling and field events against marathons, anything over 5000m and long distance cycling. 

First off I love the olympics and athletics, I have spent 70% of my waking life this summer watching all of it. And to be clear I do not think endurance events are easier or less technical and don't respect them any less than all the other events (I'm lying). I just think they are less interesting, unspectacular and sometimes (entirely) retarded.
Lets start with what inspired all this; my friend mentioned he is friends with one of the Great British walkers in the 50km walk (whatever it is called). This is the King of retarded events. Firstly the 50km mighty walk is just lame, there is nothing cool about walking. They might be walking far but seriously who cares. They don't even charge people for it and people barely come to watch it happening.

Nobody really likes or takes interest in it apart from the athletes that participate. Try and name a marathon runner not called Paula Radcliffe... But everybody knows who Bolt is or Michael Phelps

It's boring to watch, nothing much amazing happens and their hips when they "walk"... WTF. Im no expert but I dont walk like a belly dancer, this event should be renamed the 50km retard shimmy.

If a competitor tries to speed up or close the gap. RED CARD you're not walking.

I don't get why any body would want to compete. It's not as good as a normal marathon because you aren't running; it's like the marathon but slower and more retarded.

Plus you have to have the pyshique of a concentration camp prisoner. Nobody thinks malnutrition is sexy.

The fact is, the events where you go flat out or do something to your max are far more interesting and watchable than the endurance events. They're goddamn cool.
 

For example a sprinter can say:
 

"I'm the fastest human in the world, I can reach the highest top speed of anybody" ..... SprintLAD

Or a weightlifter can say:

"Nobody can lift heavier than me, I FLIP CARS" ..... MassLAD

But endurance people:

"I'm the quickest... over a certain distance"
lameLAD

Hurdlers - cool
gymnastics - ninjas
javelin - Spartans
hammer throw - vikings
Sprinters - Cheetahs 

50km walkers - gazelles with uneven legs

Endurance just isn't as good. 

There are no events such as:

5 hour Shot put - who can shot put the most times 

Jump Until You're Tired - (That would be a sack race... on the spot. Seriously though the sack race should be brought to the olympics. That was MY RACE on sportsday).

3 Day Long Jump - I dont even know what that would be.

Tread Water Until You Drown

Anyway all this doesn't matter because endurance is still better than the horse riding.